Cocoloco: Crazy idea or the future of MLB?

I had an article planned for today that gave my take on why Steven Kwan has had a slow start to the season. But given that he was put on the bereavement/family emergency list, I decided to hold off on publishing that article today. Not because it’s critical of him, but because you never know what someone else is going through, and to place my own projections on top of that doesn’t serve a purpose. The most important thing is what’s in the best interest of the players and the team.

But the idea of not knowing what others are going through is an interesting topic to explore. Sometimes I get negative comments on here, but just as Don Miguel Ruiz teaches us, I don’t take it personally. And I don’t make assumptions because I don’t know what that person is going through. Heck, maybe they’re just having a bad day. Or maybe I misread their comment and took offense when none was intended.

If you look at my responses, I usually try to get them to explain their perspective more, in order to open a dialogue… or sometimes I try to diffuse the energy… and sometimes you’ve got to stand up for yourself because I can’t just roll over in a sports forum — you guys’ll eat me alive! — but I usually try to insert a joke while I’m at it.

Laughter is a healing medicine and shamans often use humor at intense moments during ceremonies to help release the tension. Just think about the sound of a laugh: Ha- ha- ha- ha… it’s a forceful exhale. That’s a healing breath…

Other times, shamans will blow like they are blowing something away, cleaning negative energy. The yogis use a breathing technique called Kapalbhati, which uses a forceful exhale and is considered a cleansing technique or kriya. Breathing deeply helps us release tension and relax. Just like laughter does.

This world can be a very tense place at times. There is a lot keeping people on edge. And if there is one thing that I’ve learned during my time in Medellin: it’s that we have to relax… we have to move the body and breathe… and we need to laugh… so that we can come back to our natural state of being: which is enjoying life.

So here is a new iteration of my Twilight League article from last year, but with a more humorous twist. In the first article, I offered a unique way to use our best pitchers — putting them in the highest leverage innings — to save their arms and increase their impact:

Imagine, if you will… a league where everything you thought you once knew about pitching has been flipped upside down. A league where starters don’t open the game — they wait in the shadows, biding their time. A league where aces are not wasted on the early innings, but deployed in moments of maximum impact.

Here, effectiveness is amplified. Injuries are reduced. And the outcome of each game is dictated not by outdated tradition… but by truth.

This… is The Twilight League.

You get the point. So this time, we are going with some crazy baseball ideas offered by Cheech and Chong while driving around Ohio City.

(Hopefully this doesn’t count as copyright infringement… I mean they could do a Cheech and Chong skit on SNL and it would be fine… right?)

I also hope that no one takes offense to how I write the dialogue. If you watch their movies, I think you’ll realize that I’m capturing the characters’ mannerisms. Take a look:

I’ve lived in Latin America for 8 years, I lived in Mexico for 2 years and taught at Colegio Britanico in Cancun, y me encatan mis hermanos mexicanos.

Pucha, no creo que los latinos se vayan a ofender por lo que escribo. Ustedes entienden que en México tienen su propia manera de hablar: “híjole”, “no mames”, “qué padre”… Los peruanos también tienen sus propias palabras. Que es una palta? Es un aguacate. Si o no? Me llaman Coco en América Latina porque mi nombre real es difícil de pronunciar, y la película Coco es hermosa… Entonces, en la escuela en México me llaman “Mister Coco”. Pero en otras partes me llaman “Cocoloco”… aunque no tengo ni idea de por qué… Mira, ahora ustedes entienden el título del artículo. Los gringos no… bueno, quizás algunos…

All that is to say, that I hope no one thinks this is racist or offensive. If I offend you, then I hope you can at least see my intentions and accept my apology. And if you are offended, ask a latino friend, and see what they think.

And Cheech and Chong, if you read this, please realize this is an homage. I’m not trying to reproduce the art you guys created… just trying honor it in my own way… with some Crescibene flair. Tienen que tener un carro chingono, no?

Scene: An immaculately pinstriped lowrider, sporting a lime green sparkle paintjob with orange pinstriping sits parked in Ohio City. The orange tinted windows are up, the car full of smoke.

Inside the car are Cheech and Chong. Cheech in the driver’s seat, both hands on his chain-link steering wheel, eyes glazed over, slowly smacking his lips. While Chong is hunched over on the armrest of the passenger side, wearing a Guardians headband, already dozing off.

CHEECH: Hey man. When is this train ever gonna pass? It feels like we’ve been waiting forever.

CHONG: I can’t even see the train anymore, man. There’s too much smoke.

They roll the windows down. Smoke pours out.

CHONG: Oh man. It’s still there, man. This train just never ends.

CHEECH: For real man, I mean where’s the caboose?

CHONG: Let’s put on the game.

Tom Hamilton comes on the radio for a brief moment and then cuts to a commercial. As the commercial comes on:

CHEECH: Hey man, did you read that article on Covering the Corner, talking about all these crazy far out ideas? It was written by this Mario guy.

CHONG: What’s his last name?

CHEECH: Oh, I don’t know man… it’s something like: Chris of Bayne… or Chris of Beanie… or Chris of Boo. I don’t know what his name is, man. But he wrote this article about this Twilight League where he was saying they should be using pitchers all differently, man. It was pretty far out there.

CHONG: You mean like Black Mirror?

CHEECH: Black Mirror? Estas loco! The Twilight Zone, man. You’re old enough to remember the Twilight Zone.

CHONG: Man, I don’t remember anything past the 60s.

CHEECH: No manches! Anyways, it got me thinking… It got me thinking about all these other crazy far out ideas that they could be using in baseball… like the torpedo bat… but like, no one’s doing it because no one thinks about this stuff. You know what I’m saying?

CHONG: No not really, man. Give me an example.

CHEECH: Oh, I can give you an example. (smiles and moves around confidently in his seat)

(Chong waits. Cheech looks over still smiling.)

CHEECH: Oh you want an example. Ok, how about this… (he hunches over in his seat, arms extended out in front of him like he’s holding something) Personal pillows!

CHEECH: Personal pillows, bro! Think about it (he taps his head). Kwan had a stiff neck earlier in the season. And man, these guys travel like all over the place. Can you imagine sleeping in a different bed every night? And man, if I was one of these cleaning ladies in one of the hotels where the Guards stay at, I’d be giving them the biggest, lumpiest, pillows I’ve got! Buenas noches chicos! Then they’d be waking up the next day with all these stiff necks and play terribly!… So what they should do is travel with personal pillows, so the players are always using the same pillow, even if they’re in a different bed.

CHONG: Oh you’re talking about personal pillows! I came up with personal pillows like five years ago, man. You think they don’t have personal pillows already? They probably do the pillow measurements when they do their cap fittings at the start of the year, man.

CHEECH: (clearly hurt, puckers his face up) Ok if it’s so easy, holmes, then why don’t you tell me some great idea.

CHONG: Oh that’s easy, man, check this out: So you know how cold it is at the start of the season? Well they should just open their season in Arizona. They’re already there for Spring Training. Heck, they could even do that for the whole division. Nobody wants to play in Detroit or Cleveland in April, man. That’s just crazy.

CHEECH: Yeah ok, that’s not too bad. (thinks) …Ok, eschuca a esto! Check this out. There is this crazy video of a guy who made the thickest baseball bat that is still legal. And he crushed this home run, man. But man… I got to thinking, and like, a barrel that’s as big as that… it’s got to make bunting waaay easier, man. And if it has so much more mass… then it’ll have more inertia and that’ll like, deaden the ball more. Right?

CHONG: (already shaking his head) Oh no… that’ll never work, man.

CHEECH: (a confused look on his face) What do you mean it’ll never work?

CHONG: (sits up in his seat) Well it’s like this, man. If something has a lot more inertia, then the transfer of kinetic energy will be less efficient, so more of the kinetic energy will remain with the projectile object. It’s like if you have a normal bat and you bunt with it, the ball doesn’t go very far. But if you have a reaaaally big object with way more mass, like a wall, and you throw a ball at it, it bounces back with almost the exact same force as you threw it with. It’s physics, man.

CHEECH: Yeah, maybe you’re right. Ok, I got another… the lob pitch!

CHONG: Oh jeez man, you really didn’t go to any physics classes in college did you?

CHEECH: Oh, I went… just in an expansive state of mind!

(Cheech cracks up wildly, as Chong just rolls his eyes and leans back against the armrest.)

CHEECH: (regaining his composure) Ok, ok… the lob pitch: the strike zone is 3-d because it’s 17 inches wide and 17 inches deep, and they always say that the pitcher provides the power for hitting a homerun. So what if instead of throwing the ball straight at the strike zone, pitchers lob the ball so it drops straight down through the strike zone. That way the pitch has less force to begin with, and batters will have like, a way harder time figuring out the timing of it. Me entiendes?

CHONG: Have you ever been to a softball game before?

(At that a cop walks up and leans on the parked car)

POLICE: What are you boys doing here?

CHONG: (leans over) Oh, we’re just waiting for the train to pass by, officer.

POLICE: You’re waiting for that train to pass?

CHEECH: Yeah man, we’ve been waiting for like an hour.

POLICE: So just… let me get this straight. You’re waiting for that train… (he points at the train)

CHEECH: (mimics the police officer’s movement) That train!

POLICE: You’re waiting for that train to move?

CHONG: (leans over again) Well it’s not like we can drive through it, officer. You’ve got to be patient and wait for the train to pass. It’s a good life lesson, man.

POLICE: (smiles to himself) Good point. Just make sure that you stay – right here… (he points to the spot)

CHEECH: (still mimicking the office’s movements) Stay right here!

POLICE: Until that train… (points at the train)

CHEECH: (still mimicking) That train!

POLICE: Until that train moves.

(The police officer gets up slowly from the car as Cheech laughs hysterically at his own charade. The police officer looks at the mural of the train that’s painted on the wall in front of the car.)

POLICE: (almost to himself) Yeah… I think you’re right where you need to be. (starts to walk away, then stops, and turns back) Oh and boys — just remember that the moment you pull away, that’s when the caboose comes right around the corner. So you just sit tight.

CHEECH: (sits up alert and salutes the officer) Ay ay officer! (and then collapses back into his seat laughing hysterically to himself)