People who ‘flourish’ in high-stakes meetings do 2 things
Tonight, when President Donald Trump and President Xi Jinping greet each other at Joint Base Andrews ahead of their summit, the cameras will capture a handshake, a smile, maybe a joint statement.
What they won’t capture is the weeks of preparation that made that handshake possible — the small but impactful choices made long before anyone walks into the room.
I’ve taught negotiation and behavioral economics at Harvard Business School for over a decade. You don’t need to be a head-of-state to deal with high-stakes meetings. Whether it’s a tense performance review, a make-or-break client pitch or a family conversation about money, the same principles apply.
The secret is all in the prep. Specifically, two kinds.
Stage the room like a director blocking a scene
Long before President Xi’s plane touches down, someone will have decided where the two leaders would meet, who would host, and how the room would be arranged.
Research on negotiation has found that there is indeed a “home field advantage.” When people negotiate in their own space, they often perform better than the visitors, in part because familiar turf breeds confidence.
And yet most of us give almost no thought to the physical organization of our own high-stakes meetings: where we sit, whether there’s a table between us, a round shape versus a square one, and on and on.
Think of it the way a director thinks about blocking a scene. Choreography shapes what people are willing to say.
Stop prepping stilted talking points—try this instead
When you are getting ready for an important meeting, my best advice is to focus less on what you will say and more on what you will ask. Instead of prepping talking points, prep a learning agenda — a little list of things you want to find out from your counterpart.
You want to know four key things:
- What has changed for them since you last spoke?
- What pressure are they under?
- What does a good outcome look like from their side of the table?
- What is more versus less important to them?
This unlocks more than you might think at first glance, for several reasons. There’s of course the obvious benefit that questions elicit information, and information is king. But, if you’re anything like me and are prone to nervous oversharing, being ready with these questions gives your anxious energy somewhere useful to go.
In competitive and high-stakes rooms, anything you say can and will be used against you, and a well-timed question is a much safer place to put that energy than a blurted out tangent. Yes, I speak from experience here.
And then there is perhaps the most underappreciated aspect of this preparation. Decades of research on self-disclosure and trust show that asking questions causes others to like and trust you — which in turn causes them to reveal even more, creating a virtuous cycle.
The learning agenda shouldn’t be all, or even mostly, business. The best agendas include a few non-serious questions too, maybe even a joke.
If you do this prep, something magical happens. You’re freed up to just listen. To be present, to follow up on what you’re hearing, and to respond like a real person instead of reciting a script. Paradoxically, the more you prepare, the more natural you’re able to be.
None of this guarantees a good outcome in the moment, or in your next hard conversation. But it improves the odds, because what distinguishes those who flourish from those who flounder in these rooms is often in the preparation nobody sees.
Leslie John is the author of “Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing” and James E. Burke Professor of Business Administration and Unit Head, Negotiations Organizations, and Markets Unit, Harvard Business School.
